Pancakes and a Realization for Breakfast

By | November 27, 2012

When I was in London last month I woke up one morning a bit disoriented. Stumbling in my wake, I went to the fridge and pulled out the ingredients for a breakfast I was craving since the day before: ready made M&S pancakes with butterscotch syrup and a packet of fresh raspberries, and a banana.

I washed the rasberries, sliced the banana, reheated the pancakes in the toaster, poured the orange juice and made myself coffee. I took everything to the table and settled down, ready to start pouring the packaged butterscotch on top. When suddenly I got up and ran around the room searching for my camera.

You may be thinking where I’m going with this but I do have a point. As I tried to take pictures of my breakfast, still half asleep, rearranging everything around the table and snapping a mile a minute, a sudden realization jolted me wide awake.

As I took the hundredth picture I thought to myself “I miss this, I miss me!”. Whose me? Me, Danderma the person, the little unknown blogger who took pictures of her breakfast every Friday. Along the way and along the years, I’ve lost an essential fragment of myself, the person behind the blogger, the person who enjoyed and appreciated the simple things in life like waking up to a delicious breakfast on holidays.

I’ve been complaining lately that my pictures always turned out horrible. It hit me that its not the pictures that are horrible, its the essential thing that makes the pictures look good, the enjoyment of what I’m photographing. When I see a picture whatever emotion I’ve had when I took it does reflect back to me no matter how long it was when I took it. It might not be visible for the observor but it is loud and clear to me. Like a fingerprint I can’t wash away.

Am I making any sense? I think I do to myself. I miss writing too, and ranting. Reaching out automatically for that camera when my mind wasn’t focusing clearly brought out the little person in my that’s been on a strike lately. Where have I been? I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been too busy, too washed up in the melodrama that I call my daily life but now that I know what was missing, I can relax more, take a breather, repair my broken spirit, and focus on what works for me, what makes me happy.

Here is to many happy days, delicious breakfasts, ranting posts, and gorgeous pictures. I hope I didn’t make you hungry. For what its worth, that breakfast was one of the best I’ve ever had, because I had it with my true self <3

12 Responses to “Pancakes and a Realization for Breakfast”

  1. Eiman says:

    I really understand every word you have written. I am suffering from this case for about 3 years now. I was making huge and fast successful steps and suddenly I became overwhelmed with everything that I could not enjoy what I was doing anymore. Thus, at the age of 28 I decided to stop everything!! I neglected everything, my job as an art lecturer at the university, my work as an artist, my family, my home, my country and travelled to study abroad. I was trying to regain my old self as I remembered that I used to be in my most creative state when I was a student so I thought that starting my PhD might be helpful. Now, it has been two and a half years, but I am still suffering from not being able to find my old creative self. However, this experience (living alone abroad) made me discover another aspect of my personality, that is my feminine side. I do not know if it has to do with the fact that I turned 30 during this trip or because I do not have places to dress up and remove the veil, but finally I was able to look at myself as a women and embrace that side of my identity. I can now wear make up, change my hair do, wear styles that I never dared to wear before; every time I go back home. I am no longer horrified of the idea of being married and responsible for other people’s lives, but still not excited (I am taking baby steps lol). I am finally and for the first time in my life a laid back and relaxed person. I am no longer a control freak.. so, HURRAY for that. Still looking forward to find my creative self hiding somewhere within the rest of this journey (one and half year left) so wish me luck!!!

    • danderma says:

      Good luck to you, finding your own self again!

      I am a total believe in change. Poeople do change. They grow up and evolve into different people. Not bad, not worse, just different. Turning 30 does bring out another side of you and surprisingly its not that bad. I might be enjoying my third decade more than my second. But I do know what you mean :)

      Maybe one day you will be your own self, maybe you won’t but the new person doesn’t necessarily mean its not a better person. In my case I think me is hiding behind an armour of not feeling anything because had I let myself feel I’d crumble into a heap. Maybe its a coping mechanism but I think I’m getting over that stage in my life.

      As for marriage, I hate the pressure our society puts on us to “get married”! Don’t be scared, if the one passes your path even if you ary sixty, you will know and right then and there all your reservasions regarding marriage will go out the window 😉

      Good luck to you and me and thank you for your comment! It made me feel I’m not a babbling freak!

  2. Illax says:

    You have changed I can tell you that.
    I used to SO enjoy your blog. Now it only ‘ yesterday I was invited to ..’ Or ‘ last time I was in London’.
    The spirit in your blog is off.
    Hope it returns.

    • danderma says:

      You know London doesn’t ask me to post about it :p
      But I do feel that I’ve lost something in me. I can’t even get myself to write up anything much anymore. Thank you for your honesty and please do tell me if one day you recognize me again through the lines of my blog, you will be doing me a big favor :)

      • Illax says:

        The very fact that you posted my comment is a start.
        Waiting to see the bubbly carefree girl back.

        • danderma says:

          Thank you. I never delete comments unless they are, well, x-rated or aimed as a personal ill behaved attack instead of constructive criticism :)
          Thanks again!

  3. Farah says:

    i know exactly what you mean. sometimes we get so caught up in the things we’re expected to do that we forget to enjoy ourselves and we don’t do the things that we WANT to do. i understand the task you face as a blogger to cover gifts you receive and places you’re invited to, and eventually you feel programmed to do just that. and then something hits you and you’re like “wait, where did *I* go? what about the things that *I* like?”

    i learned my lesson the hard way. don’t lose yourself trying to keep up. being yourself and truly enjoying the things that you love is more important than anything else. one day when you look back at your pictures, you’ll want to relate to them emotionally and remember the feeling that is associated with it. don’t lose that. memories are priceless and time can’t be bought.

    i hope you have many more beautiful breakfasts and that this blog is filled with more personal posts. :) rant and complain and let it all out. that is who you are after all, right? those who don’t like it can click on the tiny X button on the corner of the browser!

    • danderma says:

      Exactly! Its like this whirlwind of activites and expectations and if you accept an invitation or a gift its plain rude not to write about it. The thing is, many readers automatically regard my posts about events or gifts as a commercial or insincere posts. I’ve started selecting and accepting only events or gifts of things that I myself is indeed be interested in so I could write about it with enthusiasim.

      Thank you very much for your comment and trust me, I have quite a few posts lined up. Only I do need to get the energy to type them up. Comments do help bloggers, more than you can imagine, so thank you, truly thank you :)

  4. Cookie Ri says:

    I’m glad you’ve realised it. Your blog was very personal and less so in tune with all thats going on in the city. Granted yours always stand out especially because of your pictures, but if there’s one thing i’ve noticed about the kuwait blogs, is that advertisers and companies have kidnapped their blog character, for example, lets say you guys were invited to try out a new restaurant (which is fine) you ALL post about it. You ALL get the same invites and post about it. You ALL get the same gifts and post about it. so it’s ALL the same. again what makes you stand out is your pictures but thats it really.
    But before you had this personality (albeit may be a bit harsh at your readers sometimes) but still, it was you. Your breakfast posts, your london posts, your cooking posts, your habba posts, things that interest you posts, etc. Those were what made Danderma’s blog, not the a-typical commercialised blog with a twist.

    Hope my comment helps you get back on the Dandermian blogging track :) Blog on!

    • danderma says:

      Thank you for your comment, sincerely thank you :)
      You know what’s harder? trying to come up with a different way of representing an event’s post so it doesnt sound like everyone else’s. The way its happening is there are one too many bloggers invited to a certain event hence why you find that all write the same posts.

      But then again I can never be as personal as I used to be. For one thing I was totally anonymous and quite whiny! Now if I write up about any “vague” feeling I have to suffer interrogations on whether or not this meant this or that or or etc. Its not worth it unless its something quite important.

      And you can’t believe how the line “what makes you stand out is your pictures” meant to me! Thank you! And hopefully I will find a path that would balance both the old and the new :)

  5. noon says:

    your pictures are always lovely and they represent you.
    I just love breakfast! my favorite meal!

    • danderma says:

      Thank you sweetheart. Coming from you it means a lot :* My absolute favorite meal of the day. I can let go of all meals except breakfast <3