Hello?

By | December 6, 2015

himhhub

It’s me…

Its been a while I know. I come in here often, open up the post publishers, compose something, quit midway and sigh deeply. Then I spend the time until the next time I log in thinking only about the post I haven’t completed. I’m simply at loss at what to see.

I’m lost. Ever since I’ve hit the 35-years-old mark and I’ve been in sort of a panic, something akin to an early mid-life crisis where I am truly observing what I’ve achieved so far and, deciding that I’ve achieved absolutely nothing, am at loss at where I’ve went wrong and what am I going to do.

Its very much possible that I’ve bypassed half of the years of my life already. In 15 years I might be retired, in 25, a decade less than my current age, I’m going to be considered a “senior” citizen. In five year’s time I will not be considered that young nor youthful anymore. You get the idea.

Yet me, the girl who wanted to do everything, try everything, be everything, fill her entire life and colour her days with activities, am sitting on my couch brooding my days away. I don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore. I seriously don’t.

I’ve been let down by many. I’m not exactly successful at anything I am either even though I can give 100% and be perfect. Why? Sometimes its laziness, sometimes its being in the wrong place at the wrong time, sometimes its because I don’t have what society requires of you to succeed, something other than your ability or ethics.

Who am I? What do I want to do? I’m a female, I’m Kuwaiti, I’m married, I’m a computer engineer, and what else? Should there be something else? Am I behind, am I ahead already? What do I want? How do I behave? Do I give up? Should I invest in some unwarranted hope?

I know I need a vacation, and that long-overdue promotion. I need new scenery! New things to do, new faces to smile at, new places to visit, new food to taste. I want life, a vibrant and colourful and exciting life. I’m not ready to settle to whatever it is I’m supposed to be settling at when you are 40. I want to be a pilot, an archaeologist, an artificial intelligence researcher, a painter, a chef, a chocolatier, a coffee barista, write the next groundbreaking captivating novel, a dj, play the piano, sing, travel the world! I want to be thin again, my god if I could only be as skinny as I was, then go shopping until I’m broke for six months straight!

I want to be alive, I need to be free. One life time isn’t enough for all the things I want to do.

Thank you for making it here, apologies for inflicting my insecurities at you. Hopefully this means I can get over this post now its published and get back to blogging normally. One day I hope I can look back at this post and laugh at how confused I was, little 35 years old Nadooya :)

P.S. Is it possible that I’m the only person on earth who doesn’t like Adele’s new hit song? Well, I don’t, I think its boring but that’s just me.


4 Responses to “Hello?”

  1. Newq8bride says:

    nadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    I miss your posts , walah

    you don`t have to apologize , this is your “Blog” , do you remember when the blogs were sooooo special & unique , when everything was really perfect ?? This was my plan , that after 10 years my blog will be a famous website & I will keep posting & writing about me & my life , People will keep reading .

    So sad that this plan didn’t work , I thought that e7na mojtama3 6abee3e but we are not , instagram , fashionstas o more , things I can`t keep up with

    I feel the same Nada , specially that at work my manager 6ala3tnee from the PR o now , I am doing nothing & I can`t quit because we are building our house and it is not the right time to get my husband into some financial issues

    bas t9dgeen , there is hope enshalah , you don`t know what will happen ,

    The idea of getting older freaked me out , thats why , I took another path , working out , trying new adventures such as hiking & exploring

    hmmmmm & I hate Adele`a song by the way

    • danderma says:

      Thank you 7yati <3 Tra I still read your blog I never gave up :p And I know what you mean, only in Kuwait do people migrate from one application to another and not only that, but if you still keep using the old apps then a big fat X is on you!

      You are stuck in your work situation for now, but maybe things will get better in a couple of years when the home project is done and you are finally free to choose another direction job-wise. For now you can start your own side-project no? Who knows, maybe once the home project is done your own project or small business is so successful you can quit your job and pursue your dreams!

      Lets hope that 2016 is better for everyone!

  2. Jacqui says:

    You’re not alone when it comes to Adele’s new song and you’re not alone when it comes to anything else you mentioned I am going through similar feelings but in my case I try to mask them and bury them a bit. Its frustrating sometimes but who knows there is a light at the end of that dark tunnel and one day we will get there. Once we do, everything will be peachy again but in the meantime we gotta hang in there and keep our head up.

    Love you Nadooya!

    • danderma says:

      Good to know we share the same taste in music 😀
      What is it about 2015? Everyone over 30 seems to be tumbling in the same mid-life-like feeling cycle! I find that trying to mask those feeling is good on the outside for everyone else but it somehow drains me, I’d rather disappear and wallow on my own than put on a facade even if its only for my sake. Lets hope 2016 brings us better days <3

      Love you too Jax :*